I suppose this is only going to be funny if you live in newark or surrounding areas.The wombles (litter pickers,park matinence ect ect)that work for newark council all drive round in yellow company vans with their lawnmowers and litter skewers and so on slung in the back.newark council is a big supporter of dare and have stickers all over their vans.I have designed this as I feel its apporpriate for drivers of company cars.especially my mates on the council

its now tuesday.Im tearing my hair out

dont expect much of a post today

supermarkets (a guide to)

1.upon entry,realise you do not have correct change to use trolly.mutter profanities under breath.
2.spent three hours stood in line at customer service to get correct change behind flatulent old person who wants to discuss their grandson with you.do not enter into any communication.I will explain supermarket buddies later,but for now rest assured anyone over the age of sixty is a crap supermarket buddy.
3.finally get trolly.yours is the one with the loose wheel that threatens to tip over at evry junction negotiation
4.select a weapon.on quiet days a scowl of grim determination will deter most moving obstacles (ie pensioners,young shoplifters,rent-a-cops,"helpful" staff and shelf stackers),however at peak shopping times when the place is full to capacity,somthing more persuasive such as a baseball bat from the kids section is useful.
5.select items you nither want nor need just because theyre on offer.
6.you are human and unable to resist the impulse buying of complete rammal.dont try.
7.once your trolly is full and carening wildly out of controll proceed to checkout.checkout protocol must be observed here.only get into the "ten items or under" line if you clearly have more items than that.The "cash payment only"line is strictly for people who are carrying platinum credit cards becasue theyre rich and can pay where ever the fuck they like or theyll "take their valued custom elsewhere" yeah?fuck off then bastard.Do not attempt to join the shortest line.it is only short because all the other waitees got pissed off with the checkout staffs persistent fuckups making the wait longer.Join a line of reasonable size and wait.you may have to wait a while,so do not hesitate to steal the items you forgot to pick up from other waitees trollys.If you have a supermarket buddy*,now is the time to send them to buy cigarettes,or send them on a buddy run* to pick up other stuff you wanted but forgot about because the two for ones were so impressive and such value
8.Pay and run.If you want to make your trip more of a challenge,omit the pay part and just run.
9.Get home and realise you have a load of complete crap thats about to go out to go out of date coz yoyu brought it on two for one.remember you dont like kidz with a z frozen mini pizza.nobody does.
10.spend the next seven days eating special offer food that makes you ill.well done you have completed "shopping"

*supermarket buddys:these can make shopping slightly easier.a supermarket buddy is technically a runner for items you forgot.supermarket budys are an assistant to your mission and should help in any way possible

*buddy run:a mad dash from the checkout performed by a buddy to collect items such as milk and bread and anything else which you diddnt pick up that you should have.

 

a picture of me drawn on paint.I look not alot like that but the artworks good.if you do look like this and would like to purchase it as a portrait.you can have it for a pound.

what bornunder did next

took the ball out of her co workers mouse at lunch and sat there laughing to herself coz he cant work out why his mouse is no longer working.the resident computer technitian has been called,unfortunately hes only reachable via e-mail.bit of a bugger if your computers not working.

Im getting quite into drawing little cartoons.for full size images click on them

Ive devised this flowchart,its better than any career guidance counsellor!

I wasnt expecting that to happen

ok.firstly somone e-mailed me from my site to ask why I haddn't posted on wednesday.If your reading this now and it was you then please include your address in your next e-mail so I can come to your front door and belt you accross the chops.you deserve it,Ill bet you were the kid at school who never tore a page out of his work book "just incase teacher saw" on the subject of needing to expand your horizons,I went to the local night club last night,somehow I ended up there,I think maybe several sambucas,a few hooligan stews (guinness and scrumpy mixed together in pints with a bit of cordial for flavour for those who dont know) and a superstrength jug of death (the super strengthing it added ten pounds to the cost of the jug,I remember that and not much after) well they could have been partially responsible for it anyway I rekon.getting to the point,theyve given the place a bit of a do over,and added some funky lights on the ceiling and a sturdy metal floor to ceiling pole for sluts to wrap themselves round. I was impressed (well...not completely dissapointed is more accurate) with the new look of the place,the layout is basically the same (good for the invisible drunk compass,less confusion) however the funky lights and cheap wednesday night drink prices did a grand job of making the place and punters seem more appealing.However the managers still a tosser of the highest order and the staff become ever more practiced in the art of paying no attention to waiting customers. basically the long and short of this story is I had an alright night,got stupidly pissed and even managed to offend a canadian with my impromptu performance of the southpark the movie classic "blame canada!" (you know the one blame canada,blame canada it isnt even a real country anyway)I woke up this morning fast asleep in my spare bedroom  three quarters of an hour after my working day had started.Im now going to spend the day suffering hooligan poo,the human bodys often unexpected answer to being fed guinnes and scrumpy washed down with sambucas.

I have managed it!...Dear scum!

I have been an employee of yours since 01/04/04,During this three month period I have encountered a level of treatment so bad I had not previously considered it possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking lambert and butlet and drinking baileys on a wooden stool in your shit good for nothing bar.I would like you to accept this letter as recognition of your achivement...lets face it,as a single woman running a shit hole of a pub after your husband left you for a complete munter,you ought to have some small record of your complete and utter hoplessness,having previously worked for a landlord that treated me like the shit you even forgot to scrape from your boot then tramped into your £3000 cream carpet ( paid for with the sweat and tears of employees such as myself) I thought that I had definitely hit the very bottom of the cess pool of all time shit jobs.I thought my last job was shit,that my last boss had attained the holy piss pot of god awful manager-staff relations and that no one anywhere could possibly provide me with that feeling of utter futility and hoplessness in my daily working life,Thats why I came to work for you, becasue basically I was certain beyond any doubt that my working life wouldnt and couldnt get any worse. Imagine my suprise and dissapointment when I discovered what a usless shower of bastards you truly are and that you even managed to top the feeling of helpless rage I experience everyday whilst at the beck and call of complete tossers such as yourself.Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter,because as with most humans put in a position of power over fellow beings,you have at least a thousand other important things to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important "give no shit about others"moments to attend to.Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a fucking angry former employee to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your stinking dwarf idiot of an assistant,who wont even allow me into your room to shit in your shoe as you so deserve.Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.My former employees,wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy pus-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of response from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort productivity from me,I will be excercising my employees rights which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to adhere to- any attempt by yourself to justify you disgusting low life two faced excuse for a reason to termintate my employment will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my toilet bowl, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless pub. I sincerely hope that they have not become dessicated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards your shit good for nothing public house, and its worthless managment.Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly ugly bunch of twats. Yours psychotically consider this my fucking notice

somtimes

there are occasions in my life when words cant even get anywhere near explaining how fucking angry I really am

ode to jamie

oh jamie from the nitlc,
why dost though choose to e-mail me,
did thou think I wishd thee write
about your crappy friday night?
neigh,good sir,No shit give I
out of bordem one dost sigh.
for thee,of famos chefdom came
and back there thee should go again!

when I have kids.theyre getting this for christmas

the bornunder guide to stupid

on friday of last week I booked a driving lesson.
on monday morning I realised I dont yet own a provisional liscence,which I understand is a requirment if your going to become a user of her majestys highways.
I will subsequently be cancelling my driving lesson untill further notice

in celebration of my future road kills!

Im so excited

Ive just booked my first (legal) driving lesson! Im going to learn to drive.

on the subject

here are some of the unusual slogans I have come accross i  yellow pages whilst searching for sales leads. 
 
Gibson ecavating services have a fantastic website here: www.yourholeisourgoal.com 
 
buisiness and domestic gas deliveries promise "fast gas!at your door!"
 
T.J abel contractors,hire these guys for "the professional erection"  coz we wouldnt want an amuter one would we ladies?
 
Damp contractors ltd "penetrating damp?"
 
 
 

Words of wisdom from big dan

Dan:Do you know how in the bible it says if it rains today,it will rain for 40 days and 40 nights......ive heard
 
Me:yeah
 
(quiet for a few minuets whilst we stare out the window at the downpour outside)
 
Dan:it wont though

Its growing!

as some of you may have noticed (and I know there are some of you who are,coz Ive gone upmarket got a hit counter) Ive learnt how to put photos on my site.this may in time turn out to be a bad thing...depending on how understanding my friends are.

this is the anal plug muncher.fearsome eh?

new job for Bornunder!

whilst searching the recruitment section I happened upon what seems to be the perfect job,I am going to scan the advert in at some point so you can see Im not lying but how great is this?

BONERS

skilled or semi skilled boners required to work boning pork at our state of the art boning hall.

it continues along much the same theme...the words boner and boning being used in conjunction with pork.tis funy!twas laughed at.

welcome back

Boss:"Morning,how was your death bed?"
Me:"im still ill,please leave me alone"
Boss:"well its pay day heres youre pay slip! and its good news!you havent paid any tax!"
Me: *open pay slip* "maybe not,but you have deducted £160 for me being ill for three days."
Boss "oh well,least you diddnt pay tax"

I have spent my subsequent working hours on the phone to recruitment agencies.welcome the fuck back to work.

Oh yes,this would be the reason why IM scared of dentists.

Air conditioning

It is my mission in lfe to prove that air conditioning is just an effective transportation device for bacteria and all the shit that makes you ill.(oh shit thinks my dear readers shes got somthing else to moan about)
Allow me to explain,I work a office room which is part of a christ knows how many room floor spread in a "climate controlled" rentaroom orifice block,I have my own room with a porthole window facing onto a corridor so theres no chance of me encountering any natural light to distract me from my job.it has one entrance one exit (ie one door) and the four vents in the ceiling,one of which is directly above my desk.two of the vents blow,the other two suck.this provides the circulation of air (and airborn virus)through my office.now looking at the plan sheets (e-mailed to me by the owner)each office does not have an individual external air source,which basically means unless you are in one of the offices close to the edge of the building,the deceptively refreshing flow of cool air has probably been pumped in and out of twelve little office cubes before you get to breathe in its viral goodness.
so despite the fact that its rare for me to come into contact with another human being during my working day,by the time the so called "climate controll" hits my little box world of artificial light and buzz of curt the coke machine(another story entirley) its been breathed in and out,coughed and sneezed on,wafted round the nostrils of twenty fat noses belonging to middle age corporate dick lickers all of whom will have contributed their own unique biological ingredient to the contageous soup which will then go on to seep in through the cracks in the ceiling right over my very desk and gleefuly leap into action destroying my poor immune defences and stomping gleefully round my internal organs causing any number of shitty summer colds,flu,coughs,over production of mucus.you name it.in the four months Ive been sat underneath this harbringer of doom Ive caught it.And that my friends is why Ive now, (after a recent recovery from a serious throat infection) caught a minging summer flu bug that has rendered me completely usless for the next fuck knows how long.so long good month on commission.hello crap pay packet lemsip and strepsils.......again

another winge

I really dont enjoy house work.theres people that enjoy it...Im not one of them

Darts players.

My pet hate,darts players.here are my top ten reasons for wanting to stomp on the face of every darts player I meet:

1.theyre almost without exeption ugly
2.they are without exeption over weight
3.they have stupid drink preferences
4.Over 50 % drink soft drinks,which pretty much defeats the object of "PUB games" which I assume have developed in pubs due to their strong association with alcohol and getting drunk
5.even though they play with potentially dangerous objects,they never hurt themselves!I always pray for the potential disasters such as dart in eye/face/chest but without result (see top ten reasons for not beliving in higher forces)
6.they smoke cigars (even the women) which leads me nicely on to number 7
7.They fucking smell.
8.they wear matching t-shirts (acceptable if your in a fast moving game such as football where being able to find another team member easily is essential to the game. When was the last time a dart player needed to locate another dart player from his team,at speed to pass him a dart?)
9.they think they represent the pub theyre playing for...no you dont,you represent the loosers that diddnt have the talent to get in to the pool team
10.they have that special ignorance /stupidity a person needs to think theyre interesting when theyre dull,and funny when theyre not.

another monday

Ive had a really bad few weeks as far as sales are concerned,Ive only just scraped past 50% of my end of month sales target and as for the other half of my target,well theres absolubtley no way of me making it up in the extremely small space of time I have left without working some sort of fucking miracle.
As a result of this,both of my managers (who consider themselves to be of the free thinking sympathetic management sort,providing the staff are making the company,and them,money)
have come up with the perfect solution to end this telemarketers block I appear to have ran into.
1.ask staff why staff isnt selling (keep calm,smile,this lazy shit ISNT sending you bankrupt,just causing a temporary drop in profits)
2.accept staffs whinge of not having enough data as a sign that what she really means is "you arent paying me enough"(coz theyre all money grabbing little fucks at the end of that day arent they?)
3.offer afore mentioned member of staff a 100% commission rise(that'll make the lazy bitch work)
4.reveiw same member of staffs salary.raise that too.(but not by too much)
5.sit back with a warm glow knowing that you have infact by not bollocking said member of staff, achived your goal of getting staff to work bollox off for an acceptable wage as opposed to an illegal one.(great stuff evryones a winner!)
6.you are now a free thinking manager.well done.(tell wife and kids of your good deed)

Now from afore mentioned staffs point of veiw.
1.look up disdainfully as boss walks in office without knocking (again)
2.sigh as boss makes himself comfortable (its half five friday evening you may not have a life but I do mate)
3.wince your way through motivational "chat" (which you know is corporatre talk for how long do you actually want to keep this job for you dumb fuck)
4.hit upon the genius idea of blaming somone/somthing else (although the data is pretty rubbish so youre not really making excuses for being idle/spending too much time on internet games/fag breaks ect)
5.get home at half six in a terrible mood and wonder what the other managers motivational "chats" youve been promised for monday morning going to involve(toy with idea of calling in sick on monday morning)
6.Phone in sick monday morning coz you cant face another "performance evaluation"not with this head on anyway,sneak in on monday afternoon and gingerly await your chat,only to be told your getting a pay rise.(resolve that your boss isnt the unreasonable prick youd prepared yourself to deal with and bask in the warm glow of now knowing youll only have to do half as much as you did before to earn the money you need to survive)

If thats not a happy ending I dont know what is!

Dog eats Anal plug

A while back a friend and I thought it would be a good idea to do anne summers parties to make a bit of money.we now know that if you want to loose a bit of money,the best way to go about it is to become an anne summers party organiser,(or develop drug/drink/gamble habits)anyway,after hosting several parties and finding that our profits after reductions for unseen expenses such as lambrini and chocolate were around three pounds twenty each for several hours work I decided after two of these drunken performances that entertaining screaming pissed up women during anti social hours for less than minimum wage was a fucking joke..and Id had enough.
So we slowly but surley came to the decision to pack the poxy kit up that anne summers lease to you as a loyal employee for a cost of three pounds fifty a week and send it back along with a note for the anne summers team telling them exactly where they could put there party organising which is exactly what Ive attempted to do.
Now,belive it or not,one of the most expensive pieces of kit is an anal plug (can you see where this is heading) at a grand expense of around thirty somthing pounds for a bullet type thing to shove up your arse its a bit of a luxury and I dont doubt that most women must make do with a thumb or somthing when toys are that expensive.
and if you think its expensive as a sex toy, imagine paying thirty somthing quid for a dog toy,which is exactly what it became when that spotted little shit that steals anything remotely colorful/chewable/eatable/ruinable/sniffable got hold of it and destroyed it completely in one good afternoons uninterrupted munching while I was at work.
Brilliantly enough as the kit is only leased and still property of anne summers, unless I can come up with a really good explanation as to where this anal plug has gone Im going to have to pay the asking price to anne summers to replace it for fucks sake.needles to say when I phoned, my seemingly bullshit excuse of "you arent going to belive this but the dogs eaten the anal pulsatron" was met with some skeptisisim and I was asked to pay for it anyway.
Im tempted to sell the fucking animals organs on e-bay to pay for the pulstaron...then both problems are solved,no organs means the dog wont be eating stuff of value...and the anal plug wil be paid for.
Jobs a good un

now I know Im a grown up

Because Ive just opened my very first savings account.