CHRISTMAS MESSAGE!

Words of wisdom from Clive:
"My thoughts on standing up. When you can't, don't."

Dear County Council

As we are approaching christmas I would like to send you a small note of my appreciation for your gargantuan efforts to improve our town and county through the rechless spending of the taxpayers money.
I feel items such as the £600 hat for the town mayor deserve a special mention, Im assuming the head wear was priced so extortionately as it had to be hand made so's it would be identical in every way to the existing hat for the town mayor, which I am informed is now on display in the town treasury for all to see, however in the 21 years I have lived in this town, I can not recall an occasion when the town treasury has ever been open to the public.
I like a drink as much as the next person, which is why Id like to commend the bar costs for the town hall running to nearly £20'000 annually, It makes me proud to think my hard earned money will result in "a spliffing time had by all" at the Newark Town Council Ball.
Another fantastic use the entertainment "pot" is the christmas lights. I shudder to think what would have happened had hundreds of thousands of pounds not been spent on seventy eight gazzillion bulbs all of the same colour, shape, brightness and design.Christmas just would not have been christmas without the contribution of at least £1.50 from every man woman and child in the county for the next three years, which is when, Im informed the lease will run out on the new christmas lights.
I can just picture it now, Imagine the little childrens beaming faces when next year, the exact same christmas lights are located in the the exact same place and turned on again, by the exact same DJ from lincs F.M. Who said the magic of christmas has gone?
Looking back on this last year There are many things I would like to commend our glorious council for.Not least of all the Thousands of pounds spent on legal advice for a corrupt council member who now runs a questionable food service, and there's more!for What would this town have been without the £20'000 appearance of two thirds of human leauge at the town festival, the plynth installed in the local riverside park as a recognition of achivement for the council, awarded by... you guessed it... the Newark council.And of course the money injected into local causes such as the £15'000 "safe" cycle track (only seven fatalities this year!) and the local skate park (oh no hang on the lottery fund paid for that) and who could forget the jubille/millenium/miscellaneous arch and the artist commissioned to buld it now at least £30'000 better off thanks to the intelligent descisions of the Newark COuncil Arts committee.I can only wait with baited breath for the revelation of what next milestone event the arch will mark, should it ever be removed from its sacking and relocated from storage.
So heres to you Newark Council...long may you live and hard may I work.For one thing is for certain, as long as there is a pointless purchase to be made, or an entirely questionable project to approve, the will always be a place in the tax payers direct debit list for you.

HOW??

I got barred from a kebab shop.
Who the fuck gets barred from kebab shops?

The definitive collection

a delightful and collection of complex and insightful works in a variety of mediums for the more discerning art fancyer.

The "Weekend Collection

piss artist's

The weekend Art Gallery

abstract expressionism

and finally

still life

oh and please dont prod the gallery curator

a song about vodka

vodka, vodka, makes me bad
vodka, vodka, sends me mad
vodka, vodka, pour some more
vodka, vodka, vodka....................floor.

When dinner parties go wrong

Were coming up to the party season folk's and arent we all just so excited.yes my friends its the time of year when invites drop through my door and into my lap (providing Im squatting under the letterbox,if not then they just fall on the floor)
requesting the pleasure of my company at all manner of events.
Whys this a problem?well its not.(apart from the obvious aches and pains caused by squatting under the letter box for long periods of time)
I can completely handle company,drink and all the trimmings.Its just christmas itself that pisses me off.Every year I get more and more skint buying presents for family.and less and less presents back.How the hell does that work out.When I was three I never brought presents for anyone,but I got absolubtely shed loads.everything that I asked santa for, and then some.then when I got older and grasped the concept of money I started buying little presents for everyone so they would know I cared.This you would think would have a direct effect of increasing the number of presents I recive as surley now all these people know I care they will want to let me know the feelings mutual,and what better way to do that than presents?
But no.The older Ive got,the more Ive spent and the less presents I get.by the time Im 25 no ones going to buy me bugger all,and Im going to be forking out thousands of pounds a year.All coz my stupid brothers and sisters and cousins and auntys and uncles and everything keep reproducing.getting ,married and extending the family tree with a blatant disregard for the hapless christmas shopper.
So this year I have a theory.For christmas Im going to gove to all me female relatives a cap + spermicide.All male a packet of durex.And all kids photocopies of the bible pages saying how bad it is to have sex.
Remember folk's its all about Jesus.

Top Ten good drunk games for indoors or outdoors

1.CABJACK: this is when you flag down a cab with somone in it,bundle yourself in and demand they take you where you want to go for free.If they argue,look like youre about to haul up your evenings drinks into their lap.
2.PHONE YOU EX:Can be played anywhere,and they will always want to speak to you.You arent incoherent,so be dramatic.
3.PUNCH-A-PERSON:a game for all the family,pick somone out of the blue and belt them.Run off laughing.more popular in the following areas Newcastle,Liverpool,Nottingham and Glasgow (Glasgow being the reigning supreme champions)
4.THE WHISPERING GAME:Often played unintentionally by drinkers.its the game when you think your whispering,but everyone else is shuffling uncomfortably and saying sssshhhhh alot.
5.BUST-A-MOVE:Another unintentional one, but the fastest way to clear a space at the bar and ensure immediate attention from the barstaff.In short,dance like youve never danced before....Danger factor 7/10
6.THE TROLLEY DASH:Funny isnt it?,you never see trollies lying aroung the streets when youre sober.
7.ROADSIGN KLEPTOMANIA:self explanatory really,but bonus points go to the contestant with the sign thats three times bigger than the front door and had to be team lifted home
8.CARHOPPING:An old faithful drinking game,see a street with cars parked nose to tail for the next three miles? who needs the floor anyway?
9.CONVINCE THE BAFF STAFF IM NOT TO PISSED FOR ANOTHER:This game can run nicely alongside any number of the games above,but ideally it becomes in permanent play from around 7pm onwards.
10.NOT MY KEY!:this is usually the finisher for the evening.If the key dont fit,then it may not be youre door.Give it a kick though,its always worth a gamble.