supermarkets (a guide to)

1.upon entry,realise you do not have correct change to use trolly.mutter profanities under breath.
2.spent three hours stood in line at customer service to get correct change behind flatulent old person who wants to discuss their grandson with you.do not enter into any communication.I will explain supermarket buddies later,but for now rest assured anyone over the age of sixty is a crap supermarket buddy.
3.finally get trolly.yours is the one with the loose wheel that threatens to tip over at evry junction negotiation
4.select a weapon.on quiet days a scowl of grim determination will deter most moving obstacles (ie pensioners,young shoplifters,rent-a-cops,"helpful" staff and shelf stackers),however at peak shopping times when the place is full to capacity,somthing more persuasive such as a baseball bat from the kids section is useful.
5.select items you nither want nor need just because theyre on offer.
6.you are human and unable to resist the impulse buying of complete rammal.dont try.
7.once your trolly is full and carening wildly out of controll proceed to checkout.checkout protocol must be observed here.only get into the "ten items or under" line if you clearly have more items than that.The "cash payment only"line is strictly for people who are carrying platinum credit cards becasue theyre rich and can pay where ever the fuck they like or theyll "take their valued custom elsewhere" yeah?fuck off then bastard.Do not attempt to join the shortest line.it is only short because all the other waitees got pissed off with the checkout staffs persistent fuckups making the wait longer.Join a line of reasonable size and wait.you may have to wait a while,so do not hesitate to steal the items you forgot to pick up from other waitees trollys.If you have a supermarket buddy*,now is the time to send them to buy cigarettes,or send them on a buddy run* to pick up other stuff you wanted but forgot about because the two for ones were so impressive and such value
8.Pay and run.If you want to make your trip more of a challenge,omit the pay part and just run.
9.Get home and realise you have a load of complete crap thats about to go out to go out of date coz yoyu brought it on two for one.remember you dont like kidz with a z frozen mini pizza.nobody does.
10.spend the next seven days eating special offer food that makes you ill.well done you have completed "shopping"

*supermarket buddys:these can make shopping slightly easier.a supermarket buddy is technically a runner for items you forgot.supermarket budys are an assistant to your mission and should help in any way possible

*buddy run:a mad dash from the checkout performed by a buddy to collect items such as milk and bread and anything else which you diddnt pick up that you should have.