Top Ten things to do around the house when bored

10: Suprise and amaze your housemate by switching all his dvds and cds into the incorrect cases, sit back and watch him get progressivley closer to tears whilst he tries to find Pro Evo soccer.
9: Amuse your neigbours by inviting them round for a glass of wine, then pretending (the less convincingly the better) that you arent home when they arrive.
8: Sit in the window with your faced pressed against the glass and stare menacingly at passers by.
7: Perform number eight but dribble a little and repeatedly thud your forehead against the glass as well.
6: Get creative, Make Playdoh from flour salt and water, then fill your housemates shoes, pockets and electrical appliances with it.If they question your actions, throw an artistic tantrum.
5: When door to door sales people call,show them what you are expected to tolerate by attempting to sell them your belongings, the more pointless the item, the more enthusiastic and long winded you spheil must be.If they attempt to leave follow them and get progressivley louder.
4: Hold a pretend hostage by locking the man who reads the meters in the cupboard they are located in. For added authenticity, phone your electricity supplier and demand reduction on your bills in exchange for his safe release.
3: Climb the fence into your neighbours garden and partially destroy it.
2: Knock on your neighbours door and claim to have just chased away a group of teenagers who were attempting to destroy their garden and request a financial reward for your good citizenship.
1: Make friends and influence people by standing in your front yard hurling clupms of dirt at people in the street and screaming "get off my land" in a west country accent.

Spot the difference

The late princess Di and Ben Fogle.Sinister.....

Baby Bornunder

As we can see, bornunder was every bit the lady when she was a teenager too...

Bornunder Returns

Having come up with no better ideas about how to spend my birthday I decided to revisit my home of old "sheffield"
Funny though because when your away from somwhere you begin to develop romanticised ideas about how much you loved it.
Not unlike when you phone your ex whilst out your face and lonley to beg for one more chance at making things work, In my minds eye I pictured a beautiful gleaming forest of architecture, bustling with friendly northerners going about theyre peacful daily business as the sun glints and refracts off the towering glass office blocks, and yes...I hear the sweet sound of thousands of city noises harmonising to perfection, whispering of promises that there is indeed life outside my two bed terrace, 2 dogs and job training plebs to answer phones.
But as with the ex scenario, when you wake up the day after in bed with them and find that not only have they retained the immensley annoying personality traits that spurred you into terminating the relationship first time round, but theyve developed a few new ones just to spite you...Had sheffield been that ex it would have also given me a good dose of chlamidyia into the bargain.
It is still a badly planned badly exectued design of a city. Full of taxi drivers that will drive you to your destination three streets away via cornwall and charge you three and a half grand for the privelage. The poeple, indeed, go about theyre daily business, but it is mainly muggings and drug dealing and the gleaming forest of architecture looks like it was designed with the specification "make it big, square and grotty, throw in the odd window and door"
I expect if the sun ever does penetrate the thick layer of smog and traffic fumes that shroud the city like a toxic shawl, then it would have an incredibly hard time glinting and refracting off the inch thick layer of crud that coats every smooth surface you may care to consider.
In short, Ive realised that whilst my 2.4 canines and insanely unjustified council tax rates may not be much to go by..it is definitely at least 47 percent more appealing than living in a box room above a starbucks in a city where the streets are paved with junkies.

Happy Birthday Bornunder

The Bornunder Birthday session was a blinder a special mention goes to those left standing at the end of the night Dale, Martin, and Stacy, the true heros of the Day...Photos coming soon, and Id like to extend my apologies to the residents of 72 barnby gate, Im sure a bucket of hot soapy water will get that mess off your doorstep

Training Day

Today at my place of work I was entrusted with the responsibility of introducing some "admin fodder" to the joys of phone jockeying.
These sub human reptillian looking cretins get shunted onto our company by over enthusiastic commision hungry agencys who inaccurately describe them as "just the person for the job!"
Today my trainee looked about as interested in what I was trying to explain to them as I was in trying to explain it and being the experienced member of staff that I am, Id long scince realised that for these plebs to be "just the person for the job", the job would have to involve nothing more mentally taxing than operating a hole punch, and then only under supervision.
It made me wonder what sort of screening process our interveiws now involve..
"did you pass the maths test?"
"yeah I ate the pencil"
"good when can you start?"
The future of our business is in these peoples big clumsy stupid hands.
These people look to me like theyve only just evolved to have opposable thumbs and better still they are yet to work out how to operate this new apendage.
I cant wait to see this.

Ben Fogle, professional posho

Horse

Ben fogle




Last night, with the clarity of thought that can only come from drinking sambuka, vodka and redwine I realised somthing very important...Ben Fogle is a tosser of the highest order and he looks like a horse.

A fan whos worth a mention

This ones for you product of hate!

Oh faithful reader that you are,
out there in big america,
You have songs on the radio,
you got one on your favorite show,
your pretty good at rubix cubes,
and heres an excuse to say "anal lube",
I cant lay down a track like you,
I cannot rhyme this much is true,
I know this poems pretty wank,
oh good, an excuse to say "spank",
I hope you see Im trying to say,
That even though I dont post each day,
I know you'll read my thoughts and smile,
And maybe stop and think a while,
About the Newarks we both live in,
And if theyre both just grimy a shitbin,
And if I wasnt scared to fly,
Id visit you before I die.

My dad, The Legend

My dad gives us all a lesson on how to sing,wear a silly hat, play gitaur, get pissed and smoke an enourmous cigar at the same time!
ALAN WE SALUTE YOU
(double click this picture and it gets big)

Another top ten from bornunder

this month....top ten bornunder "blonde moments"

10.When I well meaning ex boyfriend buys me a gift of a "lovley scented candle" bornunder lights it before getting in close and inhaeling deeply, hey presto, do it yourself sinus cauterisation.A trip to A and E later and the doctor reassures me the burning sensation behind my eyes, distortion of vision and the suprise nose bleeds will eventually subside.

9.Sitting listening to CD's at marks house for an hour or so..."did you get your CD player fixed then?"....
Evidently you fucking dipshit.

8.Bornunders place of work holds a two minute silence as a mark of respect for the victims of the london bombing...to signify the start the fire alarm is sounded for a short blast....Bornunder promptly leaves via the nearest exit.

7.Duped into beliving that crumpets grew out the ground like mushrooms for several months before dad carefully explained that you buy crumpets from a bakers, not a green grocer.

6.Driven all the way to an aquarium in Hull by her housemate as a practical explanation that sea horses are infact, not mythical creatures like mermaids and sea monsters

5.Got ran over by a paramedic..apparently when the lights flash and the sirens sound you shouldnt get in the way.

4.Tried to be intellectual when discussing the population of china and with colleagues,
Tom: "I think theyre only allowed one child per family there"
Bornunder: "well if you will put all those peopl on that tiny little island"
unable to understand why coworkers are sat in either stupefied silence or unable to speak with laughter untill reffered to a world map, would you adam and eve it its japan thats little, China is MASSIVE

3.(later that same afternoon)
Bornunder: "I want some water"
Tom:"I want some money"
Bornunder"I imagine water is easier to come by though, unless you live in madagasca or somwhere like that"
Tom:"yes mate, I imagine that in the tropical rainforests of madagasca water is fairly sparse"

2.On a plane to ireland in the early hours of the morning..
Bornunder:"dosent the moon look like its following us?"
Martin: "nope it looks like the white light on the wing is following us from where Im sitting"

1.Crossing london road on may to work, borunder has a sudden realisation and stops to check pockets...wakes up in hospital (again) to a familliar nurses voice quietly explaining to DR whoever that this is infact the very same girl who was in a few months ago after being ran over by a paramedic.