Voyage of self discovery (quiz, how long are you going to live)

Answer the following questions by choosing which statement is most applicable to you, noting the corresponding letter and refer to the statements to gain a rough idea of how many happy returns you may have left.
(based on no scientific evidence whatsoever other than that of my curious mind)

1:what ciggarettes do you smoke

a)health concious silk cuts, and then only socially
b)malboro lights/ benson and hedges or other such posho smokers mid strength cigs at a fiver plus a packet
c)a good old packet of egyptian imported hi tar c.monoxide specials at 30 pence for 600, With the filter torn off so Psyco steve at the local dosent think your a fucking puffter.


2:vodka is somthing best enjoyed in...?

a)chocolate liqures you get at christmas..and then only the one
b)with friends and a mixer
c)intraveinoulsy


3:When you wake up in the morning, how long does the racking chesty coughing fit last for?

a)0-3 seconds
b)3 seconds to 1 minute
c)all day

4:How much money do you owe to psyco steve at the travellers rest?

a)£0 or $0
b)0-£5 or whatever $ that converts to
c)over £5 for more than 24 hours

5:How do you like your burgers?

a)from organically grown cows not treated with pesticides grilled in a george foreman food de-flavouriser with salad
b)with chips in a bun
c)with 47 other burgers in a pile dripping with lard out of a three gallon bucket with no cutlery


ANSWERS:

MOSTLY A'S:
Your pretty much garunteed to make it past fifty, just watch out for that bus
MOSTLY B'S:
You like to keep things in perspective, although your lifestyle could be improved, you cant be arsed and you enjoy yourself, so if you make it past thirty..well done for managing it without being a boring fucker.
MOSTLY C'S:Time to take a long hard look at yourself for what you are...a fat drunk with a chesty cough whos in debt to a nutter.good luck to you

Top Tips

1.Drunk ex's...instead of wasting valuble money phoning me from your mobile at all hours of the morning to tell me youve never met anyone like me before..remember if you had of met anyone like me before you would have finished them for being too high maintenence too.
2Residents of newark.. save money for christmas by only buying enough fireworks for november the 5th the uk official date for bonfire night instead of buying enough to last from early october through to mid febuary then letting them off everynight from dusk untill dawn
3.women.. once youve sold out your friends for a boyfriend they cant stand, dont attempt to make amends by offering them a drink to buy their friendship back..you'll be wasting their money and your time.
4.Make your postmans day by opening the door as he comes up the path and saying if theres any bills you can take them back!HA HA HA!
5.Elderly reletaives worth less than a few hundred grand.. dont upset yourself when I dont send you a christmas card this year,doing so will only cause unnessacary heartache.
6.Ugly men...save embarrasment all round by not asking if the seat at my table in a bar is taken.
7.Bin Men..make your job less demanding by realising refusing to empty my bin one week beacuse the lid is more than an inch open, will not result in there being miraculously less rubbish the following week.
8.drunk person who sings in the street at four am...lessen your chance of a good kicking by not singing songs about killing off ethnic minorities

Ladies Gentlemen and those that arent quite sure

I went out the other night to a local haunt of mine, Id decided I wanted some vodka and there was no discouraging me from the idea...then the most amazing thing happened...I met that thing of legends and mythology....that elusive creature, that I personally up untill that point I had suspected was entirely fictional...a real...live BEARDED LADY!!!
I will put my hands up, and say Im about as subtle as a car bomb when it comes to trying to be discreet about what must be a most unfortunate affliction, and God, if your reading this (yes my blog is that good) please dont see fit to land a plauge of stubble on me or anything coz I am a good person.I helped an old lady home the other night who'd forgotten where she lives without even stealing her pension.(I liked the warm glow it gave me,but not the scabies I caught from her manky cat)
Still I guess My wide eyed shock and loud drunk explanation of "FUCK MY ITS A LADY WITH A BEARD...AND THE POOR BITCH IS GINGER TOO,UN-FUCKING-LUCKY!! probably wasnt the best way to go about covering up the fact that I was trying to sneak furtive glances at this 40 stone ginger bearded wonder who had been unlucky enough to encounter me after ten sambuka chasers.
Still she was wondering round town wearing slipperes and a kilt, so I guess other people opinions of her apperance wernt that important to her, or she would of made an effort to put some shoes on (and as it late transpired, some underware)
Still, despite my outburst, and the subsequent hour I spent following her around trying to get an angle to see if tops and tails were truly matched she seemed happily oblivious to my amazment.When I asked her if I could take a photo for my website however as I intended to do a piece on furry faced females...I was asked to leave the premiseis by a large bald twat in a penguin suit.
interestingly he had a beard too...and large breasts....I sense a conspiracy.

Top ten facts about my blog (applicable today, may change though)

1.The only site to refer any people to my site in the last 24 hours is I am fwan, and she refered 50 people(little miss popular bollox with her main stream commercial blog)
2.My two loyalist readers are flange dangle berries (author of I am fwan) and kehymistri (whos name I never spell right and if fucks him off beyond belief also the authour af a rubixtastic blog buttoned to this site)
3.My hit counter no longer works and Im to much of a lazy bastard to replace it
4.I have links to lots of sites but the best by far is white ninja
5.My inspiration for this site was a site called watskis world, but Ive now surpassed him in greatness.sorry dickhead
6.I read my own blog and laugh at how funny I am
7.I often forget to update it for months on end but my loyal readers always check in sooner or later
8.Its got a great deal of cuss words in it and may not be suitable for little kids to read unless they want to grow up fucked in the fucking shitty bastard head
9.Its been blogged in from at least 5 different places over the last year or so (coz IM fucking well travelled right?)
10.It has celebrated its first birthday a few months ago and no one even sent it a card.You bunch of tossers.