wednesday morning.

I cooked a dinner last night,it went alright but the carrotts were a bit on the raw side.
however,Im not suffering from botulisim today so I must have done somthing right eh?

Working in a pub

On monday and Tuesday nights I work in a pub,and I really ought to start writing down some of the shit that goes off in that place,for example...The day we ran out of A certain australian brand of beer

large sign on bar reads

"fosters will be off untill tomorrow" accompanied by a bar towel over the pump.

you would have thought that would be enough to discourage people from asking for fosters,however it would appear 98% of fosters drinkers are not only lightweight wheeling piss sippers,but theyre also pretty much illiterate aswell!who would have fucking belived it eh?
Anyway once Id finally got the message accross that there was infact no fosters,which really was no where near as simple as it sounds for these goobers the majority of the dingo piss sippers were convinced that for one night only it would be a good idea to drink different lager (this entire process which any normal person would have managed in about 70 seconds had taken half an hour,and thats with at least ten of them working on it...for fucks sake)
Enter stage left a considerably nicer tasting (but much stronger) beverage.
with the benefit of hindsight I may have been better reccomending carling as a fosters substitute, but the entertainment value of the entire group getting a fuckload more drunk than theyre used to on the same amount of beer,and the fear on their little faces as they contemplated what the fuck their mansized missus was going to do to them when they got home,it was priceless,really.
Im not sure whether it was the combination of wankeredness and worriedness,or just good old fashioned hooliganisim,but they al ended up leathering seven shades of shit out of each other,three seperate wives turned up on the doorstep and practically dragged incoherent husbands out the door by their receeding hairlines punches were exchanged inside and outside the bar,glasses broken,kids upset and wives furious,other customers were scared shitless and the ones that werent joined in and were either the beaten of the beater.I hear that one mans wife was so pissed off with him he had to sleep in the garden shed.
Because of last nights events I doubt any of them that have their other halves to contend with will be allowed out tonight and theyll be pissed off because fosters is back on today,and theyve got to stay home reading bedtime stories to the little ones and watching telly with their sourfaced hard done by womenfolk!
all because I couldnt be arsed to tell them that the beer they were drinking was stronger than their usual tipple.
How crazy am I?

Monday morning

do you know how long it takes me to think up these witty monday morning one liners?

swiss referees

my mum once told me that if you diddnt have anything good to say then its best not to say anything at all....

because if this I am not going to mention the swiss referee of last nights match,and Im not going to talk about portugal either.

telesales

I hope some of the people that are complete dicks to telesales people read this.

I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AND IM COMING FOR YOUR ASS MOTHER FUCKERS.

seriously though,I work in sales purley because of the money that can be made,not beacuse I enjoy the job,and if one more jumped up company director puts his fucking superior tone on with me and puts the fucking phone down,Im going to their fucking offices,Im going to knock on the front door,enter,and feed them the product Im trying to sell them whole.
chew on thet cunty bollocks.
and as I leave ill take a shit in their water cooler aswell.

be warned,the reign of the telemarketers is nigh

Sick note

the very worst thing about sick noting off work,is doing it when your actually ill.

what happened this weekend

Newark,youve got to love it.really you have.
saturday night and this is the great sequence of events that led to me being in casulty at half past three in the fucking morning.

first off we went to what I fondly call Bar Crisis. also known as the post office,then on to divas (for those of you who dont know thats the local night club)
only we never got into divas because after paying the astronomical six pounds entry fee my dumb fuck of a friend reminds us hes barred and cant get in,which means that my loyalty to my fucking dumb as fuck mate cost me six quid.not only that but I ended up going to the fucking gatrium instead.great.

he got his cum uppance though,he left the gatrium and got hospitalised.

picking up a bewildered concussed martin clutching a harry potter bravery certificate from newark accident and emergency at half past three in the fucking morning in my pyjamas kind of justified me loosing the six quid it cost me to stand round like a twat on the steps divas for ten minuets while he argued with everyone.

I suppose some people just deserve the odd beating every now and then.

4 am friday morning

its early hours of the morning,gettin light,five of us are in the car somwhere between newark and nottingham.we all have lambrini under the seats as usual.were on our way home.weve been pulled over once and chars been brethalysed and passed and now were on our way again.

Me "if baby oil rots rubber imagine what it does to your skin"
Emma "what?"
Me "babyoil"
Emma "what about it?"
Me "rots rubber"
Emma "what? baby oil?"
Me " how is it good for your skin if it rots rubber"
Emma "what are you on about?"
Me "Babyoil! you cant use it as lube coz it rots rubber!"
Emma "and?"
Me "it makes condoms split"
Emma "oh right condoms.I get you"
Me "?"
Emma "I thought you were on about the man made substance"
Me "oh"

silence whilst evryone tries to process what the fuck just hapened.

Char "I need a wee now"
Sara (has been huncehed up with her eyes closed untill now) "theres a garage muh"

we pull into the garage and the monster behind the counter wobbles up to the glass and snarls at char who is dancing on the spot.
The munter behind the counter refuses to let charlotte use the toilet offering the excuse that this garage apparently does not have a toilet.
charlotte quite reasonably asks where the staff go to piss and the counter beast shrugs and walks off.
char realises the conversation is now closed and skips back to the car and jumps into the drivers seat,drives six feet to the side of the garage,jumpsm back out again drops her pants and proceeds to piss on the forecourt much to our amusment its a fucking big piss the girls drank at least six bottles of water in the past few hours.
Much to the astonishment of the munter staring open mouthed through her little perspex box its a fucking big piss going all over her forecourt.
bet you wish youd let her use the toilet now bitch.
ever the lady char straightened up adjusted herself and jogged back to the car where we all sat doubled over with tears running down our faces.
quality

Office equipment

great isnt it.
Ive got this mouse that dosent need wires,and If you could only understand the hours Ive spent standing in various corners of the office,and in corridors beyond clicking the buttons to find out its top range.
Ive even sent e-mails using my head as a mouse mat.
genius!

hmmmmm....

Ive got a big leather chair on wheels and the office floor is nice shiny hardwood.....

reasons to be cheerful

1.england are playing today.
2.its payday.
3.the dog hasnt eaten anything of value whilst I was sleeping last night.

sadly Im struggling for a forth reason.
anyway,heres the thing,I just went to this website,ill write out the link so you can go there too and it was the biggest load of shite Ive seen in a long long time,this girl,named maystar or some other lovvey performers name has created an entire site about herself
(yes I do know thats what this site is)
Including at least 100 photos of herself that she has taken.not a single photo of a friend or anything.fux sake how bored would you have to be?
what sort of peoson wakes up of a morning and thinks "I know what,Ill create a big website,all about me with lots of photos of me that Ive taken in lots of clothes Ive made and then Ill make sure that no one elses name gets mentioned and its all about me me and more me.Ill even throw in a couple of pictures Ive drawn for good measure"

my bet is its the sort of pesron that should really wake up of a morning and think "I really need to get out more"

Let there be light!

and there was,because it was the genesis of what Im sure will eventually be in all the history books as the greatest little blogsite of all time!Im sure at some point it will gain a clut following.evryone will be impressed,especially me coz Im easy to please.
anyway IM going to use this wisley,take my little sancutuatry of internetyspacey stuff and fill it full of compete and total rubbish and if somone else is bored enough to read it then Im afraid thats just their problem isnt it.
well as some film once said.if you build it,they will come.Sure enough a bollock load of people drove halfway accross some country or another to watch and empty space full of supposedly dead baseball players playing a game of baseball (suprisingly enough)
bearing that in mind I suppose the fact that people may be out there reading this isnt such a far out concept!