A letter of Complaint

Dearest Shower of Complete bastards.
Above you will see a photograph of a Nokia 6020. I have enclosed this photograph so that you may use it as a point of reference should you become confused or disorientated at any point whilst your applying three of your eight functioning braincells to considering my situation.
This is the handset I thought might just bring me out of the time warp my mobile communications life has been stuck in scince, well about the year 1999 or somthing, my old skool green screen nokia was having a hard time of it and had begun to show signs of its age.Ie: being embarrasingly large and causing half the room to point and laugh everytime I removed it from my.You may wonder why Im explaining this to you (or, if your anything like any of your co workers I have so far encountered you may just be pondering what those pink sausage shaped things which you use to pick your nose with are called) Im confident, however, that you are able to relate to the laughing part of this paragraph, as that is what I can only assume you cretins do at the expense of customers such as myself who have the displeasure of dealing with you.
The phone I have purchased is the handset your marketing TWATS innacurately describe as a "function packed business based mobile with a high quality camera and tons of extras"
"designed" they say "with the modern business mobile user in mind"
All well and good,I would have been impressed,had I not,within 24 hours of reciving my all singing all dancing new handset that was intended to improve my life in ways I never thought possible,found out via my network that due to a monumental fuck up somwhere in your big room full of monkeys, a rouge primate had taken a break from flinging its own anal secretions at the wall to programme the welcome message into the into the software of the phone so that it cant be deleted, moved, fowarded, or got rid of.(I can hear my old Nokia laughing from mobile heaven as I type)
What this means for me (incase youd worked out what the sauages are and decided to apply your entire functioning cerebrum to this letter) is that my phone now constantly displays the little envelope that indicates you have an unread message, even though I dont, and in my inbox a welcome message sits and winks at me each time I pick up my phone,which I do quite frequently. Ive seen this same message approximately 579 times in the last 24 hours (I know your thinking that seems to be an exessive number of times to check my phone, but your forgetting it constantly displays the new message symbol hence I keep thinking somones trying to contact me)and the upshot of this is Im sick of the Fucking sight of it.
I phoned orange, who apologetically gave me 30 free photo messages (which incidentally dont work because you guessed it..the handset is faulty) and told me that they couldnt be of any more help (and by using the word 'more' they are wrongly implying that they were of any help in the first place)and reffered me to Yourselves directly. I have scince phoning you spoken to an affected retard who answered the phone with the words "hello Nokia before we continue I must advise you this call costs 85 pence a minute and you must have the bill payers permission"the cretin on the end of the line then proceeded to utilise my 85 pence a minute by being of no Fucking help what so ever,as if that wasnt bad enough further £16 into the phone call after over 15 minutes of chasing the elusive help desk and being caught in a mind numbing loop of hold music and mumbled apologies a snotty call centre bitch came on the line told me in no uncertain terms that my faulty phone wasnt Nokias problem either, and more specifically, my problems with Nokia were of no concern of hers, and this was, infact a consumer matter.
By this point the only consumer matter I wished to consider was getting in a car, driving to Nokia HQ, and consuming the customer service centre and all its staff, in flames.
I was then referred to a "Nokia Service Centre" and, after several minutes of the special time I set aside especially to sit rocking and laughing in bemused disbelief at the words "Nokia" and "Service" having been combined in the same scentence I contacted a whole new series of morons who redirected my call firstly to a confused help desk attendant who couldnt remember his name, then to an extension which rang for fully four and a half minutes at a volume and pitch designed more or less exactly not to please the ear, then to what I can only assume could have been the coffee machine, which, although couldnt help me with the fault with my handset did make an interesting series of clicking and humming noises before disconnecting the call to attend to its more crucially important role of the manufacture and despatch of lukewarm sludge.Astoundingly unhelpful as the coffee machine was, it had managed to prove to me that there was infact at least one thing in the Nokia empire that was actually willing to perform the task it is paid for.
So to recap, (as Im sure whilst reading this at least one of you 8 remaining braincells has keeled over and died of boredom through lack of outside stimulus during the course of the several hours its taken you to read this far.)I have so far spoken to several tossers, all bollock lickers of the highest order, none of which seem to know what the correct company procedure is for anything,and this includes in some cases the operation of opposeable thumbs,Ive been played at least 45 consecutive minutes of recorded messages assuring me that my call is important (although evidently not important enough to warrant being answered) and a coffemaker has hummed at me whilst I noted its extension for future reference as I feel that by comparison, it should be nominated for employee of the year.
I expect that by now its taken you and a team of several colleauges working in shifts to read the longer words in this document so Im not going to bore you with any further details as to the nature of my problem, which incidentally I dont hold out any hope of ever being able to resolve without the assistance of a sledge hammer.
I would like to extend my warmest congratulations to you all, your no efforts have resulted in you and your worthless company attaining the holy pisspot of god awful customer service, may you all be afflicted with genital warts for the duration of your miserable (hopefully relatively short) little lives.